Need help starting a cult?

Start a cult to cut Canada free from North America to keep those darn Yanks from sneaking across the border. Physically cut it free and move it a mile up and a mile to the right. This is being done because people living in the hollow center of the earth left a message that if you don't do it, when USA sinks beneath the sea the rest of the continent goes with it unless you are cut free. You can't cut on Tuesdays because you have to sit around listening to a radio that looks like a small jar of mustard with a cupcake on top. There are 5 candles in the cupcake one standing straight up in the middle on top and 4 sticking out the sides in 90 degree intervals. If anybody's shadow but the High Communicator's touches it you have to preform a three day purification ritual wearing a tin foil cap. Just run with it. I am from the USA and your have my permission.